A letter to Him ..

It is such a beautiful feeling to love and be loved. This is a much a heartfelt letter which I do not mean to send you ever. I guess I need too jot down all the feelings i have been having for the past week or i will explode.

ToYou,

I have been having strange feelings , i feel like you don't want me anymore and my purpose is over. I feel like I even if I vanish no one will notice.

I do not know how we started , how we fell in love , it all was the first day i guess. It was all casual back then we preferred being with each other than with any one else in the group, but now when i look back at how special we felt together I realize I may never feel like that again. Is it not wonderful how some people mean so much to you that rest of the world just fades behind them. I remember our long talks, the things you told me and just how happy it made me knowing that i was the one always there for you, that no matter how hard life was it could be sorted out if we were together.
But I guess as when we are young we think we might meet a lot of people , that there will be an abundance of romances , secret affairs, passionate nights to come. but as we grow we realize there is not so much to the world as thought there was.

Today, I am sitting in front of my laptop trying to wonder how to express what you meant to me and how sorry i am for never been able to tell you that I love you. And now you are getting married to someone you barely , but she seems fine , and i hope you both spend a nice life together.
But I guess what i miss the most is the idea of it all, the idea that what would have happened if i had confessed to you my love , of the day you called me the last time i would have told you how awfully attracted i was to your soft short brown hairs, and you faint dimples on the left cheek, and you small hands, how angelic it was when you smiled.
I hope to get over this soon enough. I guess letting it out helps, so i am penning it all down here.
I wonder if you had even liked me, i am loud and obnoxious even a control freak. I am not very pretty as well. I guess in the end what we miss is not the opportunities grabbed but the opportunities missed.

Any ways, I hope you enjoy you life and stay happy, Its not your fault , its just stupid me.
Take care.

- anonymous

P.S. you can also send you heartfelt letters and i will make sure they reach their destinations. Also I can help you write them . Drop me a mail @jaiswalapoorva633@gmail.com

Valentine's Day Special #truestory

It was 13th if February and we had just had a fight. It was nothing i told myself. It will soon be over, he usually does come back.Usually, but this was not a usual situation. It was big, we recently had an argument about something in which i was at no fault. I know , girls are under the impression that they are never at fault, but in this particular case I was not at fault.

You see I am a very career conscious women, and I want to be a writer. Being a small fish in a large pond,it is mandatory for me as of now to build relationships in the market. So last Sunday I went for a meeting with the editor of a large news house ( which i can not name ). He wanted me to write Hindi subtitles for a short movie to which i agreed free of cost.
And that seemed to infuriate him in a strange and unrecognizable way. He came back for work late night (we are a live in couple ) As it is, we share everything that happens during the entire day with us ,so i told him about the meeting. To which his first reaction was 'People use you for their work and you let them do that.'

I was calm, and tried to reason with him. 'but i did it to gain experience and learn how things actually work, whats wrong with that ?'
'Nothing is wrong with that , just stop trusting people so easily'
'But I will have to trust them, to move forward.'
And this went on and on , to the extent that he started yelling at me and I slapped him telling him that no one has the right to yell at me after which he just left the room.

An hour later I found myself sitting on the balcony wondering whatever went so wrong. We were together since college, it has been four years and never till now he had behaved like this. The funny thing I was  planning my future with him.Just the other day my mother wanted  me to meet some banker which i straight away denied , although i was unable to openly tell my mother about him , I made it a point to doing that sometime later. I had made up my mind to adjust with his joint family where a working women like myself would be dreaded to even enter.

But how could it work if he only was not serious about this. If only did not understand my point of view and how important this was for me. Things became blurry in front of me and there was not a thing i could do to make things right,and before I knew it I started to cry.

At 12 in the night my doorbell rang. I sprung right up, hoping it would be him . But when i opened the door, there was no one around. we lived in a society so it was out of the way that it was some thief, but as i was alone in the house I was shitting bricks, literally, I closed all the doors and windows of the flat and went to my room locking the bedroom from inside. Just as i turned around, He was there on his knees wih a ring in his hand.
'Are you out of your mind, you scared me to death !'
'Baby, I love you and I want to marry you.'
' Just shut up, Okay Just be quiet, What are you even saying ? We just had a fight'
'Yea, and it made me realize I can not live without you , so please be mine and marry me, my knees are hurting.'
And then the rest of the part is a bit private so I cant write about it here. But FYI , I accepted the proposal. And regarding that career thing, I realize no relationship is perfect, nothing just magically works we have to make it work.

And so we are  celebrating this valentine's day together. :)

- Anonymous.

Confessions of a girl who is not ''Marriage Material''

So this weekend was a busy one for me, one of cousin brother got married to his long time girlfriend. It was a ceremonious occasion , almost everyone of our distant relatives were present. Not so long ago I had decided that after a long time battle , economics was my favorite subject and that i had to learn more about and grasp as much of it as I can. (More on that later)
After beginning my fresh love affair with economics ,  I was on a analytical mode during the entire wedding and it was not too late for me to decide that I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS (AT LEAST). I would you tell you my age , but I am forbidden to do so by the convention of how to act like a girl signed by whoever and whenever.
 It was horrible. No, not the wedding , not even the food , but the entire idea of it. We get married to people we want to spend the rest of our lives with (if we are lucky) and call people whom we don't like in real lives to join us in the celebration and have fancy dishes , wish us lots of good luck , But wait ! Don't forget to pay for all that , because then you will continue to be in their good books and we will refund you , when there is but the right occasion. I saw economics everywhere, you know like bold letters written all over the place and hanging above my head the entire time. Paulo Coehlo refers to this phenomenon as The favour bank in his book 'The Zahir'. It is the  most crucial phenomenons in the world... Read more about it here
You disagree to this entire institution, and you are bound to be refuted.Once I remember my maternal grandmother was telling me the jewelries she had given n each daughter's marriage (she has five ) when i told her it does not matter and i was beaten with loads of reasons that it did, 'that is how things work' she said.
I am sure it does , but isn't it long time that we realize what is befitting to all us and what is not. I mean  the idea of it is self degenerating, because eventually you start measuring love with the amount of zeroes in the wedding cards that you receive. It spoils you as a human being forever, And the worst part is you don't even realize it. Because you continue to remain stuck in the brown side and strive for better shades of brown and you can not know the beauty of green side unless you have seen it. 

An ode to The Favor Bank

I LOVE THE GODFATHER !!

So this phrase has been  on my mind for a while and I wanted to share about it on my blog, precisely because I am sick of people looking at me with huge eyes with a wary expression when i ask them 'So what do you think of  The Favor Bank'? (And i do this a lot, like in the middle of a romantic conversation when i am out on a date) And it infuriates me when they have absolutely no idea what I am talking about . And how can you not ? Isn't it the most important thing in the world.

Okay , so TFB is a phenomenon in the real world , I read about it in The Zahir ( By Paulo Coehlo) , but apparently it has been written about by many writers.
So here is an extract from the book.

‘What is this Favor Bank?’
‘It was an American writer who first mentioned it. It’s the most powerful bank in the world, and you’ll find it in every sphere of life.’

‘What favors could I do for anyone?’
‘That doesn’t matter in the least. Let me give you an example: I know that one day, you’ll be very influential. I know this because, like you, I too was once ambitious, independent, honest. I no longer have the energy I once had, but I want to help you because I can’t or don’t want to grind to a halt just yet.
I start making deposits in your account – not cash deposits, you understand, but contacts. I introduce you to such and such a person, I arrange certain deals, as long as they’re legal. You know that you owe me something, but I never ask you for anything.’

‘And then one day…’
‘ One day, I’ll ask you for a favor. You do what I ask, I continue to help you, and other people see that you’re a decent, loyal sort of person and so they too make deposits in your account – always in the form of contacts, because this world is made up of contacts and nothing else. They too will one day ask you for a favor, and you will respect and help the people who have helped you. You’ll know everyone you need to know and your influence will keep on growing.’

‘I could refuse to do what you ask me to do.’
‘You could. The Favor Bank is a risky investment, just like any other bank. You refuse to grant the favor I asked you, in the belief that I helped you because you deserved to be helped, because everyone should recognize your talent. Fine, I say thank you very much and ask someone else into whose account I’ve also made various deposits, but from then on, everyone knows, without me having to say a word, that you are not to be trusted.

‘And…’
‘You’ll grow only half as much as you could have grown, and certainly not as much as you would have liked to. At a certain point, your life will begin to decline, you got halfway, but not all the way. Neither frustrated nor fulfilled. You’re neither cold nor hot, you’re lukewarm, and as an evangelist in some holy book says: “Lukewarm things are not pleasing to the palate.”